The process of falling in love is one of the most natural things that any human being can experience.  Yet, as easily as it can happen, it’s also frequently complicated, painful, and confusing.  Much of the blog/book 100 To One focuses on this confusion, and in particular, the story we involuntarily inherit from our families and society.  Because so many parts of these cultural lessons are misleading, it’s difficult to know how to best guide one’s search for genuine and lasting love.

When it comes to true romance, accurate knowledge and closely examined choices are actually a lot more romantic than one might think.  As everyone knows, falling in love can be very easy, but staying in love can be one of the most challenging things in life.  Since (for most people, at least) it’s the keeping of the love that’s really the most important part, objectivity and truth are far more essential to the success of a relationship than being “swept away.”

In helping so many people over the years find (or improve) the happy and lasting partnership they want, it has proven over and over that reality far outweighs fantasy when it comes to what really works.  And yet, while these honest and practical tools are extremely helpful, no amount of factual information will ever take the wonder and mystery out of love.  So, in honor of Valentine’s Day, today’s posting will focus on the more traditional version of the love story.

Very few people would know this, but the entire book Irritating the Ones You Love was originally written with the main topic referred to as “The Magical Connection.”  That term evolved into what eventually became “The Invisible Connection,” which of course is now a central theme of the blog/book 100 To One.  There are a number of meanings to that original concept, the name of which connotes the incredibly precise way that two people tend to fit together in a romantic relationship (almost as if by magic).

As I said, there are several layers to this profound kind of “perfect fit” that couples have.  One of those layers will be examined much further in future postings.  This is actually a very deep and complex aspect of the Invisible Connection, which also (unfortunately more or less by definition) indicates a certain amount of inherent friction.  However, as promised, it’s the other primary meaning of the term “Magical Connection” that will be the focus for today’s Valentine’s posting, which means it’s primarily about good stuff.

So many words like magical come to mind when thinking of- or feeling- love…lightness, butterflies, warmth, passion, connection, a sense of hope and euphoria.  There are so many possibilities, so many things to discover, to share.  And well beyond that initial rush, and the unfolding of what become precious memories together, true love also endures, nurtures, and protects.

It can be fashionable to comment on how the institution of marriage is outdated and doesn’t work, but there are millions of couples whose love and mutual support has truly stood the test of time.  And that’s a very big part of what makes the whole topic so magical, so unexplainable- the specific fit that successful couples have can be so uniquely matched, it’s as if some kind of guiding force had brought them together.  Of course, while there’s no way to be certain what those influences are, it’s clear that some kind of tremendous coincidence occurs in these partnerships.

Many of you may know at least one couple like my grandparents, who were genuinely happily married for over 60 years.  They didn’t have any special skill or knowledge; they lived through the Depression and many hardships.  As you can imagine, they weren’t much for self-help books or therapy.  And yet, they, like millions of other unusually fortunate couples, somehow just got it right.  By the way, that’s still not to say they had a perfect relationship.  Though they did get along extremely well on a day-to-day basis, I remember my Grandmother’s way of indicating they’d had a disagreement; she would would say something like, “Ooh- he (Grandpa) really made me sore!”

But for those especially “lucky” people who, through no special effort on their part, kind of accidentally find the happy and life-long partnership most people would wish for, we would all want to know: how does that happen?  What’s the “secret?”  I used the term lucky intentionally, though it’s truly for lack of a better word.  That’s what makes the story of love so impossible to fully comprehend; over the spectrum of hundreds of millions of relationships and marriages, what has serendipitously worked for some has produced terrible heartache and loss for others.  Any possible rule you could follow that worked wonders in one case will crash and burn in another.

So how do we find the balance?  Despite all the possible experience and expertise one can have, believe me, I wish I could answer that question!  Suffice it to say, if I, or anyone else could, that person would be on every “world’s wealthiest” list.  Making informed choices, understanding yourself and your partner, communication tools and strategies- these are all extremely helpful to a successful relationship.  And yet, there are parts that are simply intangible and impossible to precisely capture.

In the immortal words of pop singer (and former extremely edgy rocker chick) Liz Phair, “Why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you?  Why can’t I speak whenever I talk about you?” (Why Can’t I, 2003).  The problem is, that general description and feeling, which by the way represents so many countless captivating and optimistic beginnings, can both lead to a once-in-a-lifetime true love partnership, or another in a series of painful and frustrating endings!

So…what to do?  While there really is something to be said for luck and other intangible parts of the relationship process, since there’s also simply no way to reliably use those principles to find love, what’s the alternative?  Best way I can put it is this: since there’s no perfect solution to this particular topic, it comes down to choosing the approach that offers the better imperfect solution vs. the worse one.  In other words, while all the great tools in the world won’t guarantee success, as my wise Aunt put it (who herself has been happily married over 40 years), “Luck and destiny are important, but it can’t hurt to give destiny a little help.”  To that end, please read on in future installments of 100 To One.  Here’s to wisdom and destiny working together…

By the way, it would wonderful to hear people’s own love stories on this Valentine’s Day, so please, write in if you can.

The main topic of the blog/book 100 to One to this point has focused on the duel reality of relationships, consisting of:

1)      the “good stuff” (such as funny, charming, sensitive, or sexy), which is the familiar, visible part of the story we learn from society, and

2)     the “bad stuff,” i.e., the negative characteristics we really don’t want, but somehow find anyway, which I call the Invisible Connection.

As a Psychologist, I hear a lot about the problems people encounter in their relationships.  While my work gives me an especially clear glimpse into these issues, the challenges people face in dating and marriage are so familiar that just about everyone has some level of expertise on the subject.  There are many common stumbling blocks for people in their search for love, and one of the most difficult to deal with is that many parts of the traditional love story are confusing or easy to misunderstand.

This could actually be a very long topic, but as just one example, the whole concept of love is tangled up between fantasy and reality, and it’s often very hard to tell which is which.  This dilemma is made even more challenging because there really is a wonderful fantasy aspect to the process of falling in love that cannot be dismissed.  As a so-called romantic myself, I can genuinely appreciate how much the idea of finding the perfect person and falling in love is a tremendously appealing (and motivating) force.  So even as a relationship expert, I’m not here to say there’s no truth to this fantasy.

On the other hand, the idea of a great relationship is never enough to make that relationship work.  This is where the fantasy part ends and the reality part begins, and in my experience, is one of the most common areas of confusion on the topic.  There are many supposed “rules” and other tricks that people have heard they should be using in order to hook or otherwise attract a desired person.  And if your goal is to be good at temporarily attracting someone, these tips may actually work.  But if what you’re interested in is a successful, lasting partnership, then reality is the best possible “technique” you could ever use.

I realize the strategies and tools I offer are not always the most romantic, or the easiest to digest.  In some ways, I wish I could tell a different version of the story, one that was always fun and light- believe me, even for my own personal benefit, I would prefer to tell that story.  But I try to bring people information that will work, that will actually help them get what they want.  I know truth isn’t always the most comfortable way to go, and I, probably like many of you, would agree with Daffy Duck’s classic line from the old Bugs Bunny show, which went something like, “I’m not like other people- I don’t like pain.  Pain hurts me.”  Hopefully, as you learn more about the Invisible Connection, reality will become your friend!

To that end, since everyone has their own version of the Invisible Connection, it’s truly not a failing or criticism, but simply part of the human condition.  In other words, you’re in very good company.  I like to say that it’s not an issue of right or wrong, good or bad, but rather, which type of ice cream.  Everyone has it, so it’s just a matter of which “flavor” is yours.

From this point on, I will be including as many stories as possible of people’s Invisible Connections in action- the more you can see how it operates with real couples, the more it’ll help you understand your own.  One of the biggest benefits of this information is that it helps people to learn to avoid problem situations to begin with, and therefore save themselves from much unnecessary effort, hurt and frustration.

A perfect example of this was depicted by Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City.  I realize this is a fictional character, but of course, it’s based on the writer’s real-life experiences, and resonated with so many viewers because of how relatable the stories were within their own lives.  Once you know about the pattern of the Invisible Connection, Carrie’s often inexplicable choices become a lot clearer.  What was her Invisible Connection?  I’ll give you a hint- the characteristics that kept attracting her (over and over) to the apparently wrong guy, “Big,” were the same ones that made her unable to stay with the apparently right guy, Aiden.

Anyone who thinks they’ve got an answer, please write in- whatever guess, theory, or opinion you have is likely to be at least partly true!  By having lots of different perspectives represented, it’ll help to broaden the information contained in the blog, and bring greater meaning to the conversation.  Look for many more Invisible Connection stories from all types of people and couples in the coming weeks!

Well, here goes- my first official relationship blog.  Actually, it really is meant to be a book…and a blog- a book in blog’s clothing, so to speak.  My friend has been bugging me to get started on my proposed relationship blog for some time, but I couldn’t figure out how to begin.  This was further complicated since, as a professional Relationship Psychologist, I’d previously had a book published (Irritating the Ones You Love) in 2002, and had been pining over what I always felt would be an even better second book.  The problem is, the publishing world is…well, suffice it to say, it’s not a friendly environment.  Many of the doors that used to be open to authors are now closed, and it’s increasingly difficult to get a project off the ground.

Certainly, in the years since the publication of my first book, I know a lot more now about the publishing business than I did before.  Probably what would be the most surprising thing for the average person to learn (as it was for me) is how little the quality of a book has to do with its likelihood of being published.  Probably not surprising though, is the reason why, which can be summed up in a word: marketing.  Nowadays, publishers overwhelmingly tend to focus on the marketing and publicity potential of a book far more than any other aspect.  This is not to say that they do not care at all about the quality and merit of the writing itself, but it will almost always be a secondary factor to the book’s (and really the author’s) visibility to the public.  This is known in the industry as a “media platform,” and of course this is a catch-22, because writing a good book would be a reason to be in the public eye, but yet it’s almost impossible to have a book published…well, you get the idea.

Given that I feel as strongly as I do that the information I have to offer would be as useful to others as it has been to so many clients and readers of my previous book, I suddenly realized, “Why not just get started?” So, I will publish my weekly blog every Monday.  It’ll consist of all kinds of relationship and dating info., including many online dating tips and techniques (I’m a bit of an expert in this area, but more on that later).  Since the weekend is such a high traffic time for dates, I thought it only fitting that the blog would be on Mondays- that way, people will get the chance to either revel (and share) in their victorious dating experiences, or commiserate (and regroup) from their tales of woe.  Either way, between the blog itself, and people’s comments, it should make for a lively and informative conversation!

By the way, the title of the book is to be “100 to One.”  This actually has a lot of layers of meaning to it, but first and foremost, it refers to the odds, and the journey, of finding a lifelong, loving relationship.  Just as in the process of writing and publishing a book, there can be many obstacles and frustrations along the way, often with no guaranteed or clear end in sight.  However, if successful, the benefits can be truly rewarding and life-changing.  If people should like my blog, my best hope would be that we may participate in this journey together.

Look for the next installment of my blog (with much more relationship content) this upcoming Monday!