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A First Week in September

Sep 052011

On this Labor Day holiday, 2011, my thoughts are largely remembering where I was “this time last year,” not so much for the actual previous year, but looking ten years back at an especially odd and unique time for me personally, in the summer of 2001. As the calendar turned the corner into very early fall, it was a post Labor Day work week as routine as any other. Little did we know…

I was quite aware of the changing of the seasons, as the summer that was ending was one of the most enjoyable I’d ever had. I’d recently entered into a whole new realm of experience, trying to find the love of my life, which somehow resulted in a bunch of first dates in The Big Apple. Commuting from Philadelphia as I was doing (often on a weekly basis), I had become very accustomed to the long drive in search of the Lower Manhattan skyline, signifying the start of a new potential adventure (however anti-climactic it often turned out to be!).

So I entered this period in early September with a sense of hope that the change of climate might accompany some promising new chances for love. My memory of that week was especially clear because the Tennis Championship was going on at the time, and I got a quasi-invitation to go to the U.S. Open (from a woman after a seemingly good first date). I remember being caught up dealing with the ins and outs and frustrations of those dates, and as everyone else at the time, had no knowledge of the profound shift in perspective that was soon to come.

Please share your recollection of where you were this first week of September, 2001 if you can, and hope to see you next Monday, September 12th.

The Third Secret to a Happy Relationship is...

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Aug 292011

The last two weeks were spent dealing with (and collecting) “Nonsense” (thanks a lot for your comments, btw). Since it’s obvious we could continue indefinitely on that issue and still get nowhere near an end (!), today we’ll get back to the running topic, “Five Secrets to a Happy Relationship.” We’re now up to the third “Secret,” which is:

Let honesty work for you- The people who have promoted the idea of gamesmanship and “rules” in dating, and the need to use tricks to successfully get a relationship…well, let’s say not only have they done a great disservice to society, but they are just plain wrong. Yes, these “tricks” can in fact be quite useful or effective in snagging someone in the short run, and there’s truly nothing wrong with that, if that’s what you’re looking for at the time. However, if what you’re seeking is a lifelong, loving partnership, reality is your best friend.

I cannot emphasize enough how much the “common wisdom” on this subject is distorted! While truthfulness is by no means a one-size-fits-all description, as an overall approach it is profoundly more accurate (and useful) than the opposite one. So while this particular “Reality Pie” has many (at times conflicting) slices, sometimes good old fashioned honesty really is the best policy!

While it can often seem rare, “common wisdom” can also at times offer very real wisdom. The old expression “the truth will set you free” is an extremely practical concept, not so much because it’s “moral” or “honest” but because it simply works better. However, this is why I stress the non-one-size-fits-all aspect to this technique. While truth will in fact “set you free” (i.e. work better) in certain key situations, it could also be the worst possible strategy in others (such as at work, depending on your boss).

But the subject here (in the blog/book 100 To One) is generally about lifelong partnerships, and in those kinds of relationships, the ultimate course is always dictated by reality. For our purposes, the term “reality” has a very clear meaning- what is actually true about that person, couple, or situation. As subjective and changeable as “truth” and “reality” can be, there are always some essential components that tell the real story, that convey what is actually happening.

This is where the Pie gets messy (or sometimes thrown all over the room!). There are very few things in life more important to human beings than a basic sense of “ok-ness.” We rightfully (and adaptively) do many behaviors to preserve this ok-ness for ourselves (in both deliberate and non-deliberate ways). So, allowing ourselves to see too much truth at a time can be a fragile proposition. Nonetheless, it is in these kinds of behaviors and preferences that the real nature of a couple’s compatibility comes through (anything from, “does money really matter to you and how much?” to the degree of need you have to keep an orderly home, and countless other examples).

Next week will be all about these details, in which “truth” has a way of showing itself in a relationship, for better or for worse, whether we want it to or not. Sorry about that! Well, since I don’t create reality, all I (and we) can do is be as effective as we can at seeing what’s true, and working with that truth as well as possible. As tough as it can be at times to follow this practice, in the long run, you still end up getting more of what you actually want from your relationship- which is, kind of the whole point to begin with. Hope to see you next Monday!

Making Sense of Nonsense

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Aug 222011

I want to pick up on last week’s topic (Nonsense- aka, Pippa’s Ass) and take it a step further, specifically, to create a “Nonsense Collection.” I’d like to get your input here- there’s no wrong answer, just whatever you would consider an example of the frustrating, confusing, or maddening things described in last week’s post.

Of course, regardless of anyone’s individual outlook on life or political views, everyone has a number of things they experience as “nonsense”- situations that just do not make sense (to you), and represent a slice of what’s screwed up about the world (whether big or small). I’d love to compile a very broad set of comments here, especially because it’ll provide a chance to see the wide a range of topics different people consider to be nonsense, from their point of view.

While I’m sure there are likely more that would come to mind than you or I would prefer (!), if you might be able to select any issue that you find particularly difficult to accept or deal with about life, it would be extremely helpful!

Here are just a few possible topic areas to jog your thoughts, if needed:

State of politics
Economic issues
Medical
Education, parenting and child development issues
Social issues, discrepancies in society, income, class, etc.
Racial and religious differences
Environmental issues
Taxes
Banking, insurance
Police
Co-workers and bosses
Families, spouses, partnership and dating
“The Jersey Shore”

By the way, if you prefer not to submit a comment directly on the blog site itself, feel free to send me an email with your example of Nonsense! rockdoc@irritationmanagement.com

Much appreciated!

Nonsense (aka "Pippa's Ass")

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Aug 152011

For this particular Monday, I’m switching from the main theme of the moment (Five Secrets to a Happy Relationship) to focus on a huge topic in life generally, and one that’s bugging me specifically, which could be summed up as well as anything by what I’ll just refer to as “Pippa’s ass.”

I know people are very different in how they interpret things, and what issues may upset them more than others. I don’t know if other people are bothered by this subject as I am, but it seems like one of the biggest and most universal challenges in life. I refer to it simply as “nonsense.”

Words or language having no meaning or conveying no intelligible ideas; language, conduct, or an idea that is absurd or contrary to good sense; an instance of absurd action; things of no importance or value: trifles.

Of course nonsense comes in all shapes, sizes, and levels of importance. The specific circumstances that are bothering me are not themselves all that significant, as of course everyone has certain types of situations that trigger stronger reactions for them (such as anger, sadness, or frustration). But the part I find particularly confusing is the way it all ties together.

Human beings by nature tend to have a strong need for explanations. In Psychology (as most disciplines), the objective is to establish patterns which can then be used to better control a wide variety of situations. Understanding patterns offers many benefits, including the ability to anticipate upcoming events. This also provides tools essential to coping with stressful or difficult circumstances, such as comfort in knowing what to expect.

So what do you do when the pattern is 50/50?? For instance:

· Last night’s “60 Minutes” story about overseas tax shelters for U.S. corporations, while so many individuals, governments, and municipalities are struggling to find money to survive.
· A police officer parking his vehicle in the middle of an alley street to have a meal in the pizza shop. While of course that’s generally fine, people typically park their cars on the side of the alley, allowing other cars to pass (as is a clear custom on the street). The officer simply parked in the middle (without purpose), just because.
· An insurance company sending an explanation of benefits without enclosing the accompanying check, then insisting the check was lost by customer. As a result, the customer was told they would have to wait sixty days to re-submit. A week later, the check arrives in a plain envelope with no attached paperwork.

These are things someone could have a truly valid “complaint” about- but that’s not actually what’s bothering me. I find the worst part, in a sense, is that the other half of the time, people (and organizations) do the right thing, or situations work out in the best possible way. So it’s not that someone can be cynical and claim “people and life always screw you,” because they would be wrong about half the time. Yet, people who say, “Everything works out for the best” or “for a reason” would also be objectively wrong about half the time (at least based on broadly accepted tenets such as “fairness” and “equality” for all, etc.).

So where’s the “lesson,” the pattern that lets you have some idea what to expect? With the fairness and equality that people hold dear, and put such stock in as the basis for so many aspects of life, and yet (as shown in the recent hour-long TLC special “Crazy About Pippa”), a woman becomes a world-wide, instant star and multi-millionaire-to-be for looking good in a dress.

It’s true that Pippa Middleton is an attractive woman with a nice figure, but so are literally millions of women around the world. And she may be a smart and decent person…but so are millions of people around the world. For all the truly talented or diligent and hard-working people out there who weren’t randomly lucky enough to look hot in a pretty dress while their sister just happens to be marrying a prince…what’s the lesson to be drawn?

The only conclusion I can come to- though I don’t like it- is “about half the time things work out really nicely, and the other half the time really crappily (or worse), which, if I’m objective, seems to add up to, “the lesson is there is no lesson (that makes sense).” I’d sure appreciate some wisdom here! : )

Choosing the Right Person

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Aug 082011

Returning to last week’s topic, and the first of the five “secrets,” to a happy relationship, which stated simply “Choose the right person.” The idea that the success of a marriage (or life-long partnership) will depend largely on marrying the right person to begin with is probably one of the more obvious assertions you may have heard! But…I cannot tell you how many of the problems people encounter in their relationships come from this source.

I know you could say, “Well no shoot! That’s kind of the whole point, isn’t it?” Someone once told me their Uncle had a similar suggestion for marital success: “The key to a happy marriage is: marry someone who wants to marry you.” Again, as much as this seems a given, the facts regarding marriage and long-term relationships clearly prove that it’s not nearly as obvious as it sounds!

While virtually all successful partnerships tend to have this basic element, what is it actually “made of?” People will certainly be able to tell you they just “love” their partner, or that they “get along” well, or have a lot of the “same interests.” If feeling this way about each other guaranteed success, almost all marriages would last a lifetime. Even tougher to sort out is that it’s not like there are lots of couples out there getting married who don’t think they’re marrying the right person! So what separates the people who turn out to be right?

Clearly, there are many important slices to this Reality Pie, and luck, timing, and outside circumstances can end up being a big part of it (in other words, things we have little or no control over). Putting those issues aside for the moment, how does one predict with confidence they are choosing the right person, and for the right reasons? One thing I can say after years of experience working with hundreds of couples is that people frequently misjudge this decision.

I’m greatly interested in people’s insights and experiences on this question. Many couples have been sure they’ve found the right person, only to find out later they hadn’t. Other times people find that qualities they initially thought were no big deal in fact turn out to be a very big deal, and still other’s become disenchanted with traits they initially adored. Is there a reliable way to tell “right one” from the seemingly right one?

While there’s unfortunately no way to know for sure, there are ways to make much better educated guesses. Knowing yourself, and what you truly want and need in a partner is crucial to the process. This is by no means as easy as it sounds! In fact, I’ve found this to be one of the biggest causes for broken relationships.

For me personally, being extremely clear on the qualities I wanted, and just as importantly, those I didn’t, has proven to be very helpful. What has worked for you (or not worked)? Are there certain things you’ve noticed that have worked (or not) for other people? I’d like to compile a thorough list, if possible, so please do share if you can!

Secrets to a Happy Relationship (#2)

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Aug 012011

After a week-long vacation, and a bit of a departure from the ongoing story, we return to the Five Secrets to a Happy Relationship:

1) Choose the right person.

2) Be able to discuss (almost) any subject.

3) Let honesty work for you.

4) Know the difference between truth and fiction.

5) Continue to remember (and show) your partner why you chose them.

In the last installment, the whole idea of Reality Pies was introduced, and then applied to one of the five secrets above (#4). Today we’ll pick up on that theme, and take a close look at the first one:

“Choose the right person”- (as stated in the original post on July 11^th) I know this sounds very obvious, but you would not believe how many people choose a partner for life for the wrong reasons! Among many culprits for this: being willing to “settle” for someone who isn’t your realistic dream person, and being unaware of the unconscious, Invisible Connections in the attraction.

This is a tough topic to discuss- I’m well aware how many people struggle and at times suffer due to these issues. I also happen to be one of those people. If anyone can explain this, I’ll be all ears, because for the life of me I can’t figure out why some people find their true love right out of the gate, and others take years and many painful attempts before finding the “right one.”

To me as a frequent observer of these issues, and as a person who tends to look for meaningful patterns to things (uh- I know- I’m a Psychologist), I’m blown away by how random, arbitrary, and seemingly unfair the “rules” are for finding true love and lasting partnership. Some who are clearly decent and deserving people will have many painful experiences, while some obviously not-so-nice (or deserving) people will quickly find loving marriages; some people find true love very early on, and others very late; and some find it and lose it, or never find it at all.

And in all of these categories and more, there’s every type of person, every individual story, every unique path. While it may be somewhat fashionable to bad-mouth the subject of marriage, there are in fact many truly happy marriages and partnerships out there. Just as true is that there are also even more troubled, unhappy, or broken ones- so it’s not as if it’s a clear and easy subject to begin with!

But choosing the right person is an extremely good place to start. The key to this “secret,” however, is that it has many slices- in other words, the Reality Pie is very complex! I will say simply, as far my own personal story is concerned, I think it’s genuinely representative of many other people’s stories (and struggles). I’d like to save some of the details of my own love story for next Monday, as we pick up on this theme.

So…what do you think? I’d love to get as many suggestions and opinions as possible here- it is such a tough subject to nail down, so the more solid pieces of pie we have to put together, the clearer the picture can be. The question is- for all the uncertainty and unknowns involved- How do we know we are marrying the “right person”?

For those who’ve found their true love, or have been married for many years, etc., your view is extremely helpful, as it gives much needed info. about what has actually worked. For those still looking (or recovering), there are many ways to make choices that may work better in the future. I want to emphasize, though: it’s a very subjective topic! So, the more people can weigh in on this, the more useful the answer can be. Hope to see you next Monday!

Vacation from Jars

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Jul 262011

Upon returning from a week’s trip to the beach very late last night (after an eleven-hour drive with multiple construction zones and a major blockage due to accident), in my mildly psychotic state, I was wondering about the idea of vacations. I’ve always been fascinated by the whole concept, and how universal it seems that people immediately understand on an instinctual level what you mean when you say you’re “on vacation.”

But I could help thinking…what is it that makes this experience so different from everyday life? There are many possible reasons for people’s appreciation:

· Time off of work, bosses and co-workers
· Freedom from everyday responsibilities
· Opportunity to try new activities or see new places
· Change of venue and routine
· Less concern about dieting and healthy eating

While these all add to the fun and relaxation, for me personally, I noticed one thing that stands out in particular- the sense of hope that comes with each day. “What should we do today?? Where should we go tonite??” The possibilities seem so limitless when you’re on an official vacation, unlike the demands and routine of the work week (at least for most people). In reflecting on this issue, I realize that for every individual, there’s some part of the experience that makes the whole thing special for them. What specific aspect is it that makes time off a vacation for you? I’m really curious!

Note to Readers

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Jul 162011

An update for this week- though I will be on vacation, I’d prefer to still make my regular Monday blog post. However, that will depend on the availability of internet. If it’s not possible, then please look for the regular installment next Monday!

Secrets to a Happy Relationship (#1)

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Jul 112011

Last week’s regular installment of 100 To One introduced the idea of “Reality Pies.” Simply put, it’s a tool that can be used to break down any complex topic into discrete, identifiable “slices.” While each piece of pie is capable of standing on its own, they are also all part of the same overall pie (in this case, the reality of that particular subject).

While the issue under consideration can be anything- from the state of education in the U.S. or around the world, to the economic crisis in Greece, to whether professional athletes are paid too much- they’re individual subjects that consist of numerous distinct components. While complicated topics such as these can be very difficult and clunky to clearly define, the Reality Pie method allows you to assess the subject in digestible parts.

For instance, each of the five relationship “secrets” listed in “Secrets to a Happy Relationship” (June 20^th) can themselves be large, complex issues. As promised, we’ll take a closer look at each of the five secrets, and break each one down as a Reality Pie. The first of these is:

“Know the difference between truth and fiction.” What are all the possible pieces of this Reality Pie? Keep in mind the whole purpose behind the concept is an assessment and decision-making tool. By breaking the larger, multi-faceted topic into smaller slices, it becomes much easier to understand (and make choices about) the topic. So the “trick” to this otherwise simple technique is to try to divide the pie into relatively equal size slices.

Now here’s where the use of the tool will only be as good as you are! Because, it is up to you to see the pieces of the pie as fairly and objectively as possible, in order to provide the most clear depiction of the topic in question. The more accurate your observation of the various angles on subject, the more thorough (and useful) the Reality Pie will be.

So back to the above relationship secret- here are some of the pieces of that pie:

1) There is an old expression- “there are three parts to the truth- there’s your story, my story and the real story.”

2) People are in fact not equal in their objectivity- some will report the truth much more accurately than others.

3) “Reality” is a reporting of fact or actual events, whereas “perception” is based in feelings and opinions, and is therefore highly influenced by people’s pre-existing biases, or Jars.

4) When more than one person is involved in the discussion, people’s view of the same pie (topic or situation) will rarely be identical.

5) When there is some form of agreement required on a subject (as is usually the case in relationships, business, etc.), some means of deciding at a common truth will be necessary.

6) Knowledge of one’s own biases (or Jars) is a key element in objective reporting of “truth” vs. “fiction.”

As you can see, each of these six slices are all rather complex subjects on their own, but are now at least available to be processed in more “digestible bites.” Are there other pieces you feel that I’ve left out? Is there another subject that’s been especially challenging for you to get a grip on? What do you think?? More next Monday!

True Patriotism

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Jul 042011

For July 4^th, we’ll hold the “Secrets of a Happy Relationship” theme till next Monday, in favor of one more in keeping with the spirit of the holiday. Since it celebrates independence, consider a few of the building blocks that we as a country hold dear, presumably without question:

1) “Give me liberty, or give me death”

2) “All men (etc.) are created equal”

3) “Unalienable rights” (considered to be self-evident and universal- they are not contingent upon the laws, customs, or beliefs of any particular culture or government).

As we examine the state of society and politics in the United States at this time, it seems difficult to find evidence of these principles in action, at least in the literal way in which they were originally stated.

What do you think??

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A First Week in September

The Third Secret to a Happy Relationship is...

Making Sense of Nonsense

Nonsense (aka "Pippa's Ass")

Choosing the Right Person

Secrets to a Happy Relationship (#2)

Vacation from Jars

Note to Readers

Secrets to a Happy Relationship (#1)

True Patriotism

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Psychology Today

Jeff Auerbach, PsyD, is a licensed Psychologist and Organization Consultant

Contact Dr. Auerbach via email

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Psychology Today

Jeff Auerbach, PsyD, is a licensed Psychologist and Organization Consultant

Contact Dr. Auerbach via email