Irritation Management

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Sep 122011

On this Monday, September 12^th, 2011, my regular publication day falls at a time of reflection for many people. With yesterday being the 10^th Anniversary of September 11^th, there was a wide range of coverage, discussion, and emotions expressed and felt throughout the day. For me personally, amidst so many memories and feelings (that I imagine most other people were experiencing as well), there’s one issue that saddens me the most.

There were many absolutely clearly defined statements spoken throughout those days: “We will never be the same,” “Puts in perspective what’s truly important in life,” “It’s really people that matter.” While there was great merit and conviction in these phrases, if I could best sum up what I saw happening that made that time so special (despite the terrible reason), it was “We are all in this together.”

That became the one criterion by which to judge others, and resulted in a sense of almost blanket tolerance of the differences that typically separate people. Reaching out to help, to hold a door or let someone into traffic, became commonplace, as did sharing a glance or a smile with a total stranger, conveying compassion and a common understanding. While clearly this outcome wasn’t what could be described as “desirable” (given the cause), it nonetheless offered something incredibly positive that might come from such tragic circumstances.

As opposed to the deeply sincere, widespread tendency in that time of great sadness to reach out to friends and loved ones “just because” (and even do so with an actual person-to-person phone call!), today we have Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. I’m in no way throwing one blanket over those enterprises, and the great potential benefits they offer, but…

Can anyone explain this to me? The extremely common scenario: a person (completely by their own choice) initiates an unsolicited contact to another person. They know this person (whether it be a good friend or an old or passing acquaintance). They send a request for “friendship” or acceptance into a network, a) with no message of any kind, and b) upon the request being accepted, neither initiate nor respond to any further actual communication. It seems- to me- as meaningful as a baby using a laptop.

But “we will never be the same,” “it puts in perspective what’s truly important,” “it’s really people that matter.” Yes, the reason for these powerful sentiments was a terrible one. Still, I can’t help but feel it’s just as tragic it appears we have in fact largely “forgotten.” I continue to work, and hope, for better…

For more extensive commentary on these issues, please see:

http://irritationmanagement.com/2011/05/ten-year-anniversary/

http://irritationmanagement.com/2011/01/the-meaning-of-life-2/

Wireless, but Disconnected

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Sep 122011

Of course, the infinite pain and loss suffered by so many on that day and the days that followed is simply senseless and tragic. And the feeling by most humans witnessing these events involved intense anger, and a sense of irreconcilable violation. But to me personally, there was another kind of impact these terrible acts of violence and hatred produced- a sense of unity and openness within the United States population that I’d not witnessed in my lifetime.

So as I reflect, and feel, and mourn, as so many of you in remembering these events, my greatest sadness, still, is: what happened to that sense of community? Contrast to current day- a tremendously hostile and rigid political climate (that permeates much of society), and a culture often driven by divisiveness and insults. And yet we are so very “connected,” but in a different manner than in those weeks following September 11^th.

Can anyone explain this to me? The extremely common scenario: a person (completely by their own choice) initiates an unsolicited contact to another person. They know this person (whether it be a good friend or an old or passing acquaintance). They send a request for ”friendship” or acceptance into a network, a) with no message of any kind, and b) upon the request being accepted, neither initiate nor respond to any further actual communication. It seems- to me- as meaningful as a baby using a laptop.

For more extensive commentary on these issues, please see:

http://irritationmanagement.com/2011/05/ten-year-anniversary/

http://irritationmanagement.com/2011/01/the-meaning-of-life-2/

A First Week in September

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Sep 052011

On this Labor Day holiday, 2011, my thoughts are largely remembering where I was “this time last year,” not so much for the actual previous year, but looking ten years back at an especially odd and unique time for me personally, in the summer of 2001. As the calendar turned the corner into very early fall, it was a post Labor Day work week as routine as any other. Little did we know…

I was quite aware of the changing of the seasons, as the summer that was ending was one of the most enjoyable I’d ever had. I’d recently entered into a whole new realm of experience, trying to find the love of my life, which somehow resulted in a bunch of first dates in The Big Apple. Commuting from Philadelphia as I was doing (often on a weekly basis), I had become very accustomed to the long drive in search of the Lower Manhattan skyline, signifying the start of a new potential adventure (however anti-climactic it often turned out to be!).

So I entered this period in early September with a sense of hope that the change of climate might accompany some promising new chances for love. My memory of that week was especially clear because the Tennis Championship was going on at the time, and I got a quasi-invitation to go to the U.S. Open (from a woman after a seemingly good first date). I remember being caught up dealing with the ins and outs and frustrations of those dates, and as everyone else at the time, had no knowledge of the profound shift in perspective that was soon to come.

Please share your recollection of where you were this first week of September, 2001 if you can, and hope to see you next Monday, September 12th.

The Third Secret to a Happy Relationship is...

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Aug 292011

Let honesty work for you- The people who have promoted the idea of gamesmanship and “rules” in dating, and the need to use tricks to successfully get a relationship…well, let’s say not only have they done a great disservice to society, but they are just plain wrong. Yes, these “tricks” can in fact be quite useful or effective in snagging someone in the short run, and there’s truly nothing wrong with that, if that’s what you’re looking for at the time. However, if what you’re seeking is a lifelong, loving partnership, reality is your best friend.

For a more detailed look at this secret, see today’s full 100 to One post!

The Third Secret to a Happy Relationship is...

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Aug 292011

The last two weeks were spent dealing with (and collecting) “Nonsense” (thanks a lot for your comments, btw). Since it’s obvious we could continue indefinitely on that issue and still get nowhere near an end (!), today we’ll get back to the running topic, “Five Secrets to a Happy Relationship.” We’re now up to the third “Secret,” which is:

I cannot emphasize enough how much the “common wisdom” on this subject is distorted! While truthfulness is by no means a one-size-fits-all description, as an overall approach it is profoundly more accurate (and useful) than the opposite one. So while this particular “Reality Pie” has many (at times conflicting) slices, sometimes good old fashioned honesty really is the best policy!

While it can often seem rare, “common wisdom” can also at times offer very real wisdom. The old expression “the truth will set you free” is an extremely practical concept, not so much because it’s “moral” or “honest” but because it simply works better. However, this is why I stress the non-one-size-fits-all aspect to this technique. While truth will in fact “set you free” (i.e. work better) in certain key situations, it could also be the worst possible strategy in others (such as at work, depending on your boss).

But the subject here (in the blog/book 100 To One) is generally about lifelong partnerships, and in those kinds of relationships, the ultimate course is always dictated by reality. For our purposes, the term “reality” has a very clear meaning- what is actually true about that person, couple, or situation. As subjective and changeable as “truth” and “reality” can be, there are always some essential components that tell the real story, that convey what is actually happening.

This is where the Pie gets messy (or sometimes thrown all over the room!). There are very few things in life more important to human beings than a basic sense of “ok-ness.” We rightfully (and adaptively) do many behaviors to preserve this ok-ness for ourselves (in both deliberate and non-deliberate ways). So, allowing ourselves to see too much truth at a time can be a fragile proposition. Nonetheless, it is in these kinds of behaviors and preferences that the real nature of a couple’s compatibility comes through (anything from, “does money really matter to you and how much?” to the degree of need you have to keep an orderly home, and countless other examples).

Next week will be all about these details, in which “truth” has a way of showing itself in a relationship, for better or for worse, whether we want it to or not. Sorry about that! Well, since I don’t create reality, all I (and we) can do is be as effective as we can at seeing what’s true, and working with that truth as well as possible. As tough as it can be at times to follow this practice, in the long run, you still end up getting more of what you actually want from your relationship- which is, kind of the whole point to begin with. Hope to see you next Monday!

Making Sense of Nonsense

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Aug 222011

I want to pick up on last week’s topic (Nonsense- aka, Pippa’s Ass) and take it a step further, specifically, to create a “Nonsense Collection.” I’d like to get your input here- there’s no wrong answer, just whatever you would consider an example of the frustrating, confusing, or maddening things described in last week’s post.

Of course, regardless of anyone’s individual outlook on life or political views, everyone has a number of things they experience as “nonsense”- situations that just do not make sense (to you), and represent a slice of what’s screwed up about the world (whether big or small). I’d love to compile a very broad set of comments here, especially because it’ll provide a chance to see the wide a range of topics different people consider to be nonsense, from their point of view.

While I’m sure there are likely more that would come to mind than you or I would prefer (!), if you might be able to select any issue that you find particularly difficult to accept or deal with about life, it would be extremely helpful!

Here are just a few possible topic areas to jog your thoughts, if needed:

State of politics
Economic issues
Medical
Education, parenting and child development issues
Social issues, discrepancies in society, income, class, etc.
Racial and religious differences
Environmental issues
Taxes
Banking, insurance
Police
Co-workers and bosses
Families, spouses, partnership and dating
“The Jersey Shore”

By the way, if you prefer not to submit a comment directly on the blog site itself, feel free to send me an email with your example of Nonsense! rockdoc@irritationmanagement.com

Much appreciated!

Nonesense (aka "Pippa's Ass")

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Aug 152011

For this particular Monday, I’m switching from the main theme of the moment (Five Secrets to a Happy Relationship) to focus on a huge topic in life generally, and one that’s bugging me specifically, which could be summed up as well as anything by what I’ll just refer to as “Pippa’s ass.”

I know people are very different in how they interpret things, and what issues may upset them more than others. I don’t know if other people are bothered by this subject as I am, but it seems like one of the biggest and most universal challenges in life. I refer to it simply as “nonsense.”

Words or language having no meaning or conveying no intelligible ideas; language, conduct, or an idea that is absurd or contrary to good sense; an instance of absurd action; things of no importance or value: trifles.

For instance:

· Last night’s “60 Minutes” story about overseas tax shelters for U.S. corporations, with so many individuals, governments, and municipalities struggling to find money to survive.
· A police officer parking his vehicle in the middle of an alley street to have a meal in the pizza shop. While of course that’s generally fine, people typically park their cars on the side of the alley, allowing other cars to pass normally (as is a clear custom on the street). The officer simply parked in the middle (without purpose), just because.
· An insurance company sending an explanation of benefits without enclosing the accompanying check, then insisting the check was lost by customer. As a result, the customer was told they would have to wait sixty days to re-submit. A week later, the check arrives in a plain envelope with no attached paperwork.

So where’s the “lesson,” the pattern that lets you have some idea what to expect? With the fairness and equality that people hold dear, and put such stock in as the basis for so many aspects of life, and yet (as shown in the recent hour-long TLC special “Crazy About Pippa”), a woman becomes a world-wide, instant star and multi-millionaire-to-be for looking good in a dress.

It’s true that Pippa Middleton is an attractive woman with a nice figure, but so are literally millions of women around the world. And she may be a smart and decent person…but so are millions of people around the world. For all the truly talented or diligent and hard-working people out there who weren’t randomly lucky enough to look hot in a pretty dress while their sister just happens to be marrying a prince…what’s the lesson to be drawn?

The only conclusion I can come to- though I don’t like it- is “about half the time things work out really nicely, and the other half the time really crappily (or worse), which, if I’m objective, seems to add up to, “the lesson is there is no lesson (that makes sense).” I’d sure appreciate some wisdom here! : )

Nonsense (aka "Pippa's Ass")

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Aug 152011

Of course nonsense comes in all shapes, sizes, and levels of importance. The specific circumstances that are bothering me are not themselves all that significant, as of course everyone has certain types of situations that trigger stronger reactions for them (such as anger, sadness, or frustration). But the part I find particularly confusing is the way it all ties together.

Human beings by nature tend to have a strong need for explanations. In Psychology (as most disciplines), the objective is to establish patterns which can then be used to better control a wide variety of situations. Understanding patterns offers many benefits, including the ability to anticipate upcoming events. This also provides tools essential to coping with stressful or difficult circumstances, such as comfort in knowing what to expect.

So what do you do when the pattern is 50/50?? For instance:

· Last night’s “60 Minutes” story about overseas tax shelters for U.S. corporations, while so many individuals, governments, and municipalities are struggling to find money to survive.
· A police officer parking his vehicle in the middle of an alley street to have a meal in the pizza shop. While of course that’s generally fine, people typically park their cars on the side of the alley, allowing other cars to pass (as is a clear custom on the street). The officer simply parked in the middle (without purpose), just because.
· An insurance company sending an explanation of benefits without enclosing the accompanying check, then insisting the check was lost by customer. As a result, the customer was told they would have to wait sixty days to re-submit. A week later, the check arrives in a plain envelope with no attached paperwork.

These are things someone could have a truly valid “complaint” about- but that’s not actually what’s bothering me. I find the worst part, in a sense, is that the other half of the time, people (and organizations) do the right thing, or situations work out in the best possible way. So it’s not that someone can be cynical and claim “people and life always screw you,” because they would be wrong about half the time. Yet, people who say, “Everything works out for the best” or “for a reason” would also be objectively wrong about half the time (at least based on broadly accepted tenets such as “fairness” and “equality” for all, etc.).

Choosing the Right Person

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Aug 082011

Returning to last week’s topic, and the first of the five “secrets,” to a happy relationship, which stated simply “Choose the right person.” The idea that the success of a marriage (or life-long partnership) will depend largely on marrying the right person to begin with is probably one of the more obvious assertions you may have heard! But…I cannot tell you how many of the problems people encounter in their relationships come from this source.

I know you could say, “Well no shoot! That’s kind of the whole point, isn’t it?” Someone once told me their Uncle had a similar suggestion for marital success: “The key to a happy marriage is: marry someone who wants to marry you.” Again, as much as this seems a given, the facts regarding marriage and long-term relationships clearly prove that it’s not nearly as obvious as it sounds!

For me personally, being extremely clear on the qualities I wanted, and just as importantly, those I didn’t, has proven to be very helpful. What has worked for you (or not worked)? Are there certain things you’ve noticed that have worked (or not) for other people? I’d like to compile a thorough list, if possible, so please do share if you can!

Choosing the Right Person

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Aug 082011

While virtually all successful partnerships tend to have this basic element, what is it actually “made of?” People will certainly be able to tell you they just “love” their partner, or that they “get along” well, or have a lot of the “same interests.” If feeling this way about each other guaranteed success, almost all marriages would last a lifetime. Even tougher to sort out is that it’s not like there are lots of couples out there getting married who don’t think they’re marrying the right person! So what separates the people who turn out to be right?

Clearly, there are many important slices to this Reality Pie, and luck, timing, and outside circumstances can end up being a big part of it (in other words, things we have little or no control over). Putting those issues aside for the moment, how does one predict with confidence they are choosing the right person, and for the right reasons? One thing I can say after years of experience working with hundreds of couples is that people frequently misjudge this decision.

I’m greatly interested in people’s insights and experiences on this question. Many couples have been sure they’ve found the right person, only to find out later they hadn’t. Other times people find that qualities they initially thought were no big deal in fact turn out to be a very big deal, and still other’s become disenchanted with traits they initially adored. Is there a reliable way to tell “right one” from the seemingly right one?

While there’s unfortunately no way to know for sure, there are ways to make much better educated guesses. Knowing yourself, and what you truly want and need in a partner is crucial to the process. This is by no means as easy as it sounds! In fact, I’ve found this to be one of the biggest causes for broken relationships.

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Wireless, but Disconnected

Wireless, but Disconnected

A First Week in September

The Third Secret to a Happy Relationship is...

The Third Secret to a Happy Relationship is...

Making Sense of Nonsense

Nonesense (aka "Pippa's Ass")

Nonsense (aka "Pippa's Ass")

Choosing the Right Person

Choosing the Right Person

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Psychology Today

Jeff Auerbach, PsyD, is a licensed Psychologist and Organization Consultant

Contact Dr. Auerbach via email

Recent Comments

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Psychology Today

Jeff Auerbach, PsyD, is a licensed Psychologist and Organization Consultant

Contact Dr. Auerbach via email