Irritation Management

A Life Too Short

Nov 142011

(Please click to play if you wish- an especially fitting song to accompany today’s blog- just minimize and it’ll play in the background as you read- 06 Hallelujah)- Today’s post is derived from two especially meaningful occasions, one to me personally, and the other which represents not only me, but just about everyone else as well. I write this with significantly mixed emotions, as it marks the first full year of the blog/book 100 To One. When I started this whole thing last November, I said to my wife, “Well, I don’t know what all will come from it, but I’m going to give it a year, and just see what happens.”

Among other things, it has been a truly instructive experience, and hard to believe an entire year of weekly installments has gone by! While the overall subject of 100 To One is about dating and relationships, there are a few specific postings that stand out for me personally. If there were one piece that I’d most want to represent me as a person (as well as my work), it would be the Martin Luther King Day 2011 post entitled “The Meaning of Life.”

This brings us then full circle to today. The main topic of the previous “Meaning of Life” was a story of how people respond to an untimely loss of a loved one, and how unavoidably universal that topic is for us all. Of course, no one gets to choose when and where they may be reminded of such realities. This past weekend, my wife and I attended a funeral related gathering for a truly loved and admired gentleman who died far too soon, before the age of fifty.

For all those in attendance- immediate and extended family, friends, colleagues- it was the realest of reminders of what we all understand yet certainly prefer not to think about- that none of us ever really knows what tomorrow brings. We naturally have a tendency to overlook those close to us as we struggle with our everyday busy lives. And yet, we can often find ourselves reflecting in times of loss how much we do value our loves ones, how important they are to us.

I would like to invite you to read a more thorough exploration of this deeply human topic in the aforementioned Martin Luther King posting; I truly welcome your feedback. As stated at the start of today’s post, it marks the first full year to the day of the blog/book 100 To One. For now, this first “chapter” is complete, and will not presently continue on a regular basis. Many thanks for reading, and please stay tuned in the near future!

Growing Pains

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Nov 072011

The old expression, “no pain, no gain?” While a bit oversimplified, one of life’s great challenges and contradictions. After all of these years of efforts at growth and improvement myself, as well as witnessing and helping countless others in their endeavors, I’m still amazed at how un-simple the change process is. As hard as it is to take an honest look at oneself, and determine something that needs adjustment, being able to find the right balance for that adjustment is often the most difficult part of the process.

Just a few examples of these kinds of conflicting agendas:

1) Trusting one’s own instincts and judgment vs. learning to make more prudent decisions.

2) Being more outgoing and social vs. saying awkward things and being rejected.

3) Living according to your own beliefs vs. fitting in and being accepted.

4) Working hard and succeeding professionally vs. having a personal life.

5) Maintaining a well-organized life and home vs. being able relax.

In fact, even the idea of self-improvement- no matter how constructive or necessary for success in life- is completely opposite the essential and highly-recommended principle of “being yourself.” How have you managed to maintain these delicate balances in your life? Any suggestions or “secrets” you’ve discovered? Inquiring minds want to know!

Anniversary Story

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Oct 312011

Today’s regularly scheduled Monday post falls on Halloween, but more importantly, it’s the day after my and my wife’s anniversary! In honor of our sixth year of marriage, I’ll share a personal story regarding the current topic of “change.” As anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship knows (and as detailed in last week’s blog), negotiating the adjustments that keep a relationship running smoothly can be anything but effortless!

Sometimes the (seemingly) simplest issue can be the most complicated to resolve. It is often the most routine things that can cause a couple to be at odds. Even for couples who adore one another and normally get along extremely well, people’s Invisible Connection will prompt certain everyday situations to crop up over and over, and can create a great deal of mutual frustration.

Working out these kinds of ordinary disagreements can make the difference between couples who thrive over the long haul and those who don’t. And yet, the details of these circumstances can be very tedious to wade through, and typically require a great deal of compromise and back and forth communication.

For instance, my wife Rebecca and I tend to understand one another quite easily, and are able to navigate most situations in a loving and cooperative manner. However, there are certain areas in life in which our methods are conspicuously incompatible. Of course, this is due to her using the wrong method. And yet, somehow she seems to think my method is in error!

One of our most stubborn Invisible Connections is around the issue of time, and how we approach our arrival to particular events. I tend to favor as more casual, “get there when we get there” style, and she prefers one that’s more structured. As is typical of all Invisible Connection issues:

1) Both are legitimate ways of dealing with such situations.

2) Both are used as a means of coping with stressful situations, and designed to help reduce anxiety.

3) The two different styles in this case tend to completely work against one another.

4) People’s different styles are a direct reflection of their respective Jars and Jar-related “issues.”

As a result, two people who normally get along very well (and like each other quite a bit) can suddenly find themselves stuck in a nasty impasse. And of course, given that each person’s Jar is planted firmly in the middle of the disagreement, finding a way out of it can at times be very sticky!

This week, I’d like to encourage anyone reading to share a brief story of your own. Basically, any pattern you’ve noticed in a relationship (past or current) in which a seemingly simple issue stubbornly kept popping up!

And today, on a personal note…as much as my own journey of 100 To One was at times painfully frustrating (and long!)…and as inherently imperfect as people and relationships are…I could not have hoped to find any more wonderful a person to share the journey with.

Hope to see you next week!

More Change

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Oct 242011

Last Monday, we began looking at the concept of change, especially those that take place in people. As previously discussed, adjustments and improvements to behavior are fundamental (and necessary) to almost all parts of human life, including:

health and fitness
professional and financial development
relationships and parenting
happiness and quality of life

As basic as change is in people’s lives, it’s one of those things that rarely comes easily or without some type of cost. As mentioned last week, any kind of shift in the normal routine typically causes some degree of stress for most people (and can even become somewhat overwhelming, depending on the situation). Yet, for example, relationships do not typically survive (especially happy ones) without some level of consistent change.

Long-term relationships require constant compromise, in a good way. In a partnership that goes on for many years, not only do couples have to continue tolerating each other’s differences, they have to keep meeting each other’s needs as well (which is no easy trick). As easy as it is to fall in love, maintaining a genuine level of spark and excitement unfortunately just does not happen automatically (sorry Hollywood!).

Even being able to see exactly what areas need attention in a relationship may not be obvious, or easy to talk about. I’ve noticed over the years, working with hundreds of couples, that people seem to feel a bit defensive when their partner asks them to change. In fact, sometimes people even get offended! Yet these kinds of (at times uncomfortable) conversations are the only method we have communicating our wishes to one another.

No matter how similar or compatible a couple may be, there will always key differences in their methods, styles, and needs in a relationship (and life in general). Bridging these differences is one of the most important aspects of a truly happy relationship, yet making the necessary adjustments can at also be truly annoying, tedious, or painful:

“Can you please be on time?”
“Will you please clean up after yourself!”
“If you write a check, can you record the entry?”
“If you tell our child no, you have to follow-through!”
“I’d like it if you’d be more affectionate.”
“Could you make an effort to get along with my mother?”
“When I ask you what’s wrong, will you please give me a direct answer?”
“Stop telling me what to do!”

As reasonable as these requests may be, they are often much easier said than done! Can you think of a change that you’ve tried to make yourself, or that you’ve requested of your partner? Did it work? Was it relatively easily fixed, or stubbornly resistant? Your wisdom is much appreciated!

Change

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Oct 172011

You may have noticed at some point in your life that dealing with change is not necessarily the easiest thing for human beings to do. In fact, it could even be said that- some people- I don’t know who, but some- may not like change! Since we tend to be creatures of habit, and find familiar routines comforting, any type of shift of the norm can produce discomfort. In fact, depending on the situation, people may find change downright stressful.

This applies to basically every possible circumstance in life, from changes in employment and income, home relocation or renovation, marriage, children, divorce, loss of loved ones, gaining or losing friendships, or hair loss. Even smalls adjustments to the status quo can cause significant amounts of stress.

However, even more challenging are the kinds of changes that occur within a person (as opposed to one’s life circumstances). Trying to make changes to one’s own thoughts, emotional reactions, behaviors, or choices can often feel like a monumental undertaking. I can attest to how hard it can be to make even the simplest kind of adjustment in people’s behavior because:

a) I get the opportunity to see how real people deal with (attempts at) making changes in themselves, their relationships, or their lives on an everyday basis, and

b) I have to do the same (on an everyday basis).

So, whether it’s watching:

1) a person in a marriage struggle to make a change to honor a spouse

2) an employee respecting the request of a co-worker to follow a particular preferred procedure

3) ourselves altering a less favorable aspect of our personality or behavior in an effort to improve

…we all know how painful and tedious these kinds of efforts can be.

For example (among millions), one partner may ask the other in the course of their relationship to stop doing a particular behavior, or to do more of a particular behavior (such as to clean up their own messes in the kitchen when finished, etc.). No matter how routine, any type of change can be a challenging and often painstaking process (despite our obvious preference to the contrary!).

Many more examples will be discussed next week- please chime in if you have a moment!

That's Baseball!

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Oct 102011

You probably don’t need a Psychologist to tell you that baseball (and sports in general) has many parallels to relationships (and life in general). In particular, with all the promise both hold, with so much potential for excitement and fulfillment, they are also both incredibly unpredictable. No matter how obviously well the elements appear to add up, there’s still no way to ever be sure of the outcome.

Making it even tougher to predict is that with relationships, just as in baseball, the signs and objective indicators that predict success can just a easily predict failure. For instance, being from Philadelphia, and a fan of the Phillies, I’ve watched and heard a lot this season about people’s assumption that a pitching staff of four aces plus a best in baseball and team history 102 wins is a near-certain path to a World Series championship. If you follow sports at all, I don’t have to tell you how that turned out (sniff).

The plot thickens even more as you compare two basically identical fairytale storylines such as in this year’s dramatic last day of the season playoff runs by both the St. Louis Cardinals and the Tampa Bay Rays. Given that both teams faced non-stop pressure the whole month of September, and needed miracle finishes to make up their 81/2 and 9 game deficits respectively, it would seem obvious they were both “teams of destiny.”

As so often happens in such cases, the team rides the excitement and momentum of this stretch run to a seemingly destined inevitable championship ending. Yet with all of their apparent fateful similarities, one of the teams (the Cardinals) continued their blessed playoff run by squeaking out a 1-0 do-or-die fifth game win again the favored Phillies, while the other miracle comeback team (the Rays) fizzled in four games to the Texas Rangers.

From destiny’s darling to bupkis- what’s the difference? Whether it be two equally charmed baseball teams or two blissfully well-matched couples, what determines which one fulfills its stars-aligned path to ultimate success versus the one that crashes and burns? Certainly one of life’s great mysteries, but perhaps there are some cues to look for that can increase the odds. Any suggestions??

Top 10 False Beliefs about Relationships

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Oct 032011

1) Opposites attract (in a good way).

2) Love conquers all.

3) Looks aren’t important.

4) Men are simple and obvious; women are complicated.

5) You shouldn’t expect someone to change for you.

6) People change.

7) People don’t change.

8) The past is the past- you shouldn’t discuss previous relationships.

9) If your partner asks you if they look “fat,” you can’t answer honestly.

10) You marry your mother/father (Oh no wait- that one’s true).

What do you think?? : )

Be Careful What You Wish For!

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Sep 262011

At the conclusion of last Mondays’ blog, there were two essential relationship themes being discussed:

1) The truth of how you feel about the actual characteristics you find (and choose) in a partner will always win out in the long run- good or bad.

2) Your ability to work well together as a couple with the crappier parts of your relationship will largely determine the rest (no easy trick).

These guidelines are both part of the relationship secret “Let honesty work for you” (http://irritationmanagement.com/2011/08/the-third-secret-to-a-happy-relationship-is/). The problem is, as good as it sounds (that honesty is important to a relationship), and as obvious as it may seem (that people would follow this approach), it’s amazing how many “unrealities” tend to be built into people’s relationships.

There are many forces that cause this to happen:

Distorted or false societal concepts of dating and marriage
Unrealistic expectations learned from family, friends, and media
Pressures to marry and have children
Fear of being alone
Pain of loss or change
Avoidance of confrontation

And of course, just because you know what you really want doesn’t mean you can get it! The truth is, relationships are in some way always fundamentally “disappointing,” given that perfect partnerships require perfect people (who are perfectly matched). As differences in people’s wants, needs, and emotional styles begin to emerge, unmet expectations and hurt feelings often develop. Combine that with people’s individual (potential) shortcomings and quirks, and…well, let’s just say there’s plenty of opportunity for romance to lose some luster!

If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship, I think you’ll know what I mean when I say: sometimes it can be harder to have a simple conversation with your “true love” than it would be with a total stranger (or almost anyone else!). Short of having a crystal ball, how do we know that the choices we’re making today will continue to be the right ones for the future? Any reliable tips or guidelines you’ve found? If so, please do share!

Truth in Advertising

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Sep 192011

I don’t have to tell you that the world we live in today…well, let’s just say that marketing is a major force in our lives (in America and otherwise). Just about everything that happens around us, whether it be cultural or social norms, what people consider important and valuable, or the ever-increasing competition for people’s time, attention, and money- advertising and promotion are integrally involved.

Yet no amount of camera angles, sleek images, or sexy advertisements will suffice when it comes to an actual relationship- lasting, happy, and successful is the only reality that counts. And the reality is, relationships are difficult. A truly thriving, lifelong partnership can be near-impossible to find, and even harder to maintain.

While I’m not thrilled to say it, there’s just not a “secret” to happy and successful relationships. Yet something very real separates the couples that are somehow able to stay together from those who don’t. If I had to offer a condensed “catchphrase” for this difference, it would be something like:

You will never be able to “fool” the truth that’s inside your relationship, so you better really like what you got to begin with!

There’s no escaping that if you are dissatisfied with any significant part of the person you’re marrying, there’s little chance that part will go away. Simply put, on some level, you can either live with it or you can’t!

Next comes the other “half” (so to speak) of this very complex Reality Pie, which is how much time and effort it can often take for couples to continue tolerating (and working with) the less desirable parts of their relationship. These two themes:

1) The truth of how you feel about the actual characteristics you find (and choose) in a partner will always win out in the long run- good or bad.

2) Your ability to work well together to deal with the crappy parts of your relationship will largely determine the rest (no easy trick).

Hope to see you next Monday!

Truth in Advertising

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Sep 192011

Whether selling beer, clothing, or mortgages, impressions can be interchangeable with reality. Even the term “reality” now means something different than its actually meaning (the state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they may appear or might be imagined). In today’s terminology, someone can be a star in something called “reality” when it’s a fictitious/ scripted version of their own life.

For example, take the main form of partnership in much of the world (marriage). Think of the incredible amount of thought and planning (not to mention money) that goes into a majority of wedding ceremonies, and the level of commitment it takes just to walk down the aisle. Yet as we all know, about half of those will in fact end up not actually lasting a lifetime as intended. And, in my years of experience with thousands of couples, even for those who do stay together, there are many that remain intact despite decades of unhappiness or unmet need.

You will never be able to “fool” the truth that’s inside your relationship, so you better really like what you got to begin with!

For sure, there’s a great deal of growth that takes place along the way for a relationship to continue to thrive over the course of many years together. And yes (as any long-time married person can tell you), there are certainly ebbs and flows to the relationship, no matter how fond or passionate they may be toward one another. Still, there’s no escaping that if you are dissatisfied with any significant part of the person you’re marrying, there’s little chance that part will go away. Simply put, on some level, you can either live with it or you can’t!

And then comes the other “half” (so to speak) of this very complex Reality Pie, which is how much time and effort it can often take for couples to continue tolerating (and working with) the less desirable parts of their relationship. Next week, we’ll look closer at these two essential relationship themes:

1) The truth of how you feel about the actual characteristics you find (and choose) in a partner will always win out in the long run- good or bad.

2) The ability to work well together as a couple with the crappier parts of your relationship will largely determine the rest (no easy trick).

Hope to see you next Monday!

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A Life Too Short

Growing Pains

Anniversary Story

More Change

Change

That's Baseball!

Top 10 False Beliefs about Relationships

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Truth in Advertising

Truth in Advertising

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Psychology Today

Jeff Auerbach, PsyD, is a licensed Psychologist and Organization Consultant

Contact Dr. Auerbach via email

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Psychology Today

Jeff Auerbach, PsyD, is a licensed Psychologist and Organization Consultant

Contact Dr. Auerbach via email