The last two weeks were spent dealing with (and collecting) “Nonsense” (thanks a lot for your comments, btw). Since it’s obvious we could continue indefinitely on that issue and still get nowhere near an end (!), today we’ll get back to the running topic, “Five Secrets to a Happy Relationship.” We’re now up to the third “Secret,” which is:
Let honesty work for you- The people who have promoted the idea of gamesmanship and “rules” in dating, and the need to use tricks to successfully get a relationship…well, let’s say not only have they done a great disservice to society, but they are just plain wrong. Yes, these “tricks” can in fact be quite useful or effective in snagging someone in the short run, and there’s truly nothing wrong with that, if that’s what you’re looking for at the time. However, if what you’re seeking is a lifelong, loving partnership, reality is your best friend.
I cannot emphasize enough how much the “common wisdom” on this subject is distorted! While truthfulness is by no means a one-size-fits-all description, as an overall approach it is profoundly more accurate (and useful) than the opposite one. So while this particular “Reality Pie” has many (at times conflicting) slices, sometimes good old fashioned honesty really is the best policy!
While it can often seem rare, “common wisdom” can also at times offer very real wisdom. The old expression “the truth will set you free” is an extremely practical concept, not so much because it’s “moral” or “honest” but because it simply works better. However, this is why I stress the non-one-size-fits-all aspect to this technique. While truth will in fact “set you free” (i.e. work better) in certain key situations, it could also be the worst possible strategy in others (such as at work, depending on your boss).
But the subject here (in the blog/book 100 To One) is generally about lifelong partnerships, and in those kinds of relationships, the ultimate course is always dictated by reality. For our purposes, the term “reality” has a very clear meaning- what is actually true about that person, couple, or situation. As subjective and changeable as “truth” and “reality” can be, there are always some essential components that tell the real story, that convey what is actually happening.
This is where the Pie gets messy (or sometimes thrown all over the room!). There are very few things in life more important to human beings than a basic sense of “ok-ness.” We rightfully (and adaptively) do many behaviors to preserve this ok-ness for ourselves (in both deliberate and non-deliberate ways). So, allowing ourselves to see too much truth at a time can be a fragile proposition. Nonetheless, it is in these kinds of behaviors and preferences that the real nature of a couple’s compatibility comes through (anything from, “does money really matter to you and how much?” to the degree of need you have to keep an orderly home, and countless other examples).
Next week will be all about these details, in which “truth” has a way of showing itself in a relationship, for better or for worse, whether we want it to or not. Sorry about that! Well, since I don’t create reality, all I (and we) can do is be as effective as we can at seeing what’s true, and working with that truth as well as possible. As tough as it can be at times to follow this practice, in the long run, you still end up getting more of what you actually want from your relationship- which is, kind of the whole point to begin with. Hope to see you next Monday!
