As you know (if you are reading this), the regular installment of the blog/book 100 To One occurs every Monday, which this week, happens to fall on Martin Luther King Day. Therefore, it seems appropriate for today’s posting to take a detour from its normal path to deal with the profoundly sad events of the January 8, 2011 shooting in Tucson, Arizona. I do not write about this issue lightly. I’ve had a significant amount of experience dealing with death and loss in my lifetime. Though I’m only forty-six, both of my parents are deceased; my mother passed away 15 years ago. Much more influential was the death of my father when I was a young child, which gave me a profound appreciation for the fragility of life, and how easily someone can be here one day and gone the next. In addition, not long ago, I myself faced an acutely life-threatening medical issue. So, I present this with a great deal of respect and compassion for the tremendously undeserving victims and loved ones of this senseless tragedy.
Though the circumstance itself cannot possibly be fully comprehended or explained, I write today about an issue that, while related, is in some ways a completely separate subject. Throughout the volume of media coverage in the days since the shooting, many important topics have been discussed. However, one particularly emerges for me personally, which is the countless number of commentaries that emphatically point out how a tragedy of this type serves as a reminder to us all.
There are just a few themes to this dialogue, but they’re expressed in an urgent and heartfelt manner on an extremely consistent basis by an infinite variety of people, from citizens and victims, senators and clergy, to the President and First Lady. The message is about appreciation, and our tendency as human beings to take things for granted (especially people and loved ones). As much as I wholeheartedly agree with these sentiments, my personal reaction is that it makes me feel much more sad than inspired. This is largely due to my observation- and I couldn’t possibly be more unhappy to be saying this- that can basically be reduced to “all true, but it’s not going to happen.”
Like I said, it hurts me greatly to write about this topic to begin with. As a Psychologist, it is fundamental for me (as you would hope) to be a person who tends to be compassionate and understanding. But it also requires me to be painstakingly objective, and to simply present data- as it is, not as I (or a client) may want it to be. For the record, this could be an infinitely long and detailed discussion…but I can say with certainty that one particular topic emerged over and over and over in the 4-5 days after September 11, 2001. The words were spoken with steely determination and conviction- “We will never forget.” “This reminds us of what really matters, what’s truly important in life”.
In the 24/7 coverage of those immediate days after (which I, like so many, followed very closely) virtually everyone kept saying the same thing, echoing the same conclusion- “What’s really important is people. What life’s all about is our loved ones, our relationships.” This was further reinforced with the immeasurable pain and anger so many millions suffered with during that terrible time, to the point that it would seem absolutely impossible that people could forget this message and this commitment…and yet we did…and we do.
It brings to mind a scenario that has perplexed me for many years, and while of course no statement of this type can be made that applies to all people in exactly the same way, I’ve noticed a pattern that represents an overwhelming majority of human beings.
The scenario is this: someone dies at an earlier age than expected, in some especially upsetting or tragic manner. At his or her funeral, there will be clusters of friends and family, many of whom have long-standing and close relationships with one another (sometimes even because of the person who died). You’d hear conversations in which these groups of people, in their sadness and reflection on the nature of life and all that truly matters, speak to one another in a more serious and genuine tone than normal. They will shake their heads, and be reminded, despite their great fondness and rich history together, that many of them have not seen (or even spoken) to one another for months or even years.
In their sincere, deeper reflection, they will solemnly promise to do better. That, in honor of this too sad and real reminder, it really is people and relationships that matter the most in life, and they will commit to being more mindful, more appreciative, and to make greater, purposeful efforts to stay in touch. And, as truly sincere and heartfelt as these promises will be, it will (not always, but very commonly) take only a matter of weeks or months before the busy, hectic nature of life takes over. Unfortunately, these well-meaning promises will again fall by the wayside…often, until the next sad reminder.
This story is all the more difficult to reconcile because it is usually not because people just don’t care. They most often do- genuinely. But the momentum of people’s busy lives, family obligations and financial responsibilities tends to take over in a way that’s almost “involuntary.” It truly takes consistent, conscious effort to reverse this inertia, and for many people that commitment is strong and real enough to remember only in times of pain and loss.
Instead, unreturned phone calls and unanswered emails become the accepted norm. Our ability to slow down and appreciate or notice things is constantly competed with by our need to function, to “get the job done.” It is extremely common for people to be caught up in their lives in a way that leaves little room for reflection or meaningful contact with others (i.e. not via text). And making this concept even tougher is the fact it’s truly understandable- the demands of life even on a normal day can at times be too much to balance. Still, I can’t help believing we are capable of better.
I thought that Columbine might actually be big enough (in my lifetime) to change our culture- based on the massive amounts of dialogue to that effect (“we will never be the same”) in the weeks that followed…but that didn’t happen. But then, surely September 11th would be significant enough to stick, to change the way we speak to one another, to permanently alter the priorities that guide our society…but, it didn’t. The catastrophic 2004 Asian tsunami, Katrina, Virginia Tech shooting, world and U.S. economic crash, Tucson…will anything ever be powerful enough to overcome our tendencies?
Please forgive the longer than normal post today, but I thought it worth the time. However, in the interest of time, while there is much to say about what could be done to remedy this problem, I’ll reserve all of that content for questions and comments on the message board. I sincerely welcome your input, and hope for a meaningful discussion on the topic. Can we make a difference?
As promised, please tune in next week for a revealing and (hopefully!) entertaining look at the whole concept of “chemistry.” Take care till then.
Hi Dr Jeff,
Yes,It seems as though it takes tragedy to remind me of whats important.At the end of the day the most important thing and most challenging is my relationship with my self and others.I get so busy sometimes and do not have time for either.
You are so right, Maria- therein lies the tremendous weight of this topic, as it’s quite impossible to reduce down to a clear remedy. Just as you’re saying, the conflict between everyday “survival” and the necessity for people to take care of themselves, while at the same time having a typically wide range of other people and matters to tend to- well, it can seem (and often be) too demanding to juggle. Something has to give, and reconciling the choices involved can be painful and difficult. Magic wand, anyone??
A wonderful piece- beautifully written and expressed- and too, too true. We have all intended to keep in touch, to make that phone call, issue that invitation, and then not doing it until so much time has passed that we feel too guilty to act and have lost a precious opportunity. I plead guilty myself. I hope to keep your posting in mind as I try to do better.
I appreciate that very much, Joan. Please know I’m not trying to be “supportive” when I say that no one is perfect in this area, even those who may attempt to adhere more closely than others. So, try not to be too hard on yourself in your efforts to improve!
I came from the country where we always were “waiting” for another tragedy, for more of it, thinking that the next tragedy will be worse and more cruel. And all this made my family and friends closer to each other and more caring. Closeness and caring – that’s what helping in this kind of situation and that’s what really important. And, of course, love…
Very nicely said, Zhanna.
I know for myself I need to make more timefor the spiritual oppossed to the MATERIAL. When Im spirually fit I make and have time for whats important.The material never has brought any peace to my soul.
I agree that these national and international tragedies cause us to pause and “pledge” to be more caring especially to the ones we love, and then the day to day pressures set in and we forget the preciousness of life. I want to believe that a bit still lingers and periodically we think about the loss or tragedy and for a moment may recommit and reach out to the other person. I guess what I am saying is that we don’t do such a bad job of being kind to the other person and that most of us are open to reaching out more. We try new ways of doing things; we experiment with new behaviors, we learn better ways of doing things from others—we just might not do it as consistantly as ideally we could. I lost a very dear cousin a few years ago, and periodically I think of her goodness and think I want to be more like her. She was one of those people who truly left the world (too soon) having repaired a part of world. Her goodness has effected me and at times I feel I too have bettered the world because of her influence. Fo me, that is all I can hope for.
That’s very thought-provoking, Norma. There’s a lot of wisdom in your comments, and they also highlight the often subtle aspects contained in this extremely complex issue. As you’re pointing out, small gestures can often make a real difference. The manner in which you endeavor to use the loss of your dear cousin as a source of motivation both helps to remind you to take those extra steps when available, and honors her memory as well.
Hi Dr. Jeff,
I myself, try to live by your article’s principles, although I have lived an intense life, my main objective is my family and my kids, I spent most of the time with them, I even had to open up my own business in order to spend the majority of time with them. However I do sacrifice professional growth and sometimes I feel left out or looked down by others since money is not my priority. Sincerely I do not find they bother me most of the time, but the people around me expects so much of me that it’s overwhealming. Thank you for your great article.
I really appreciate your kind feedback, Ruben. I’m glad you were able to find meaning in the article. It sounds as though your situation in many ways typifies why this issue is so tedious to reconcile for so many people. There are often numerous, truly important aspects of life to address all at once, on an ongoing basis, and yet only so much that can be done (literally) in a day. It can seem impossible to give all of these legitimate components their full due without somehow shorchanging something else. It is (I think) one of life’s greatest challenges.
Great observation and entry.
I agree that these situations do cause us to “Wake Up” and realize how important these relationships are to us and how important these people are to us. Ironically, however, I think it is people that pull us away (for lack of a better term) in that it is often other relationships and the dependencies that exist therein that distract us from that. In experiencing personal losses of my own, I have made resolutions to remain attentive to those who were there “in the trenches” with me at those times, yet as time passes by I realize I have failed to do what I have promised. Whether it be a commitment with my kids that causes me to defer dinner with my father, weekend plans with my spouse that prevent me from connecting with a close friend who lives quite a distance away or promises to my co-workers to stay late at work that prevent me from catching up with a couple old buddies over a beer after work.
The silver lining in all of this is that ALL of those people have been there for me when I need them most and I have not failed them provided *I* am there when they need me most…. Or, so I hope.
Wow, Mark- that really effectively spells out the details of this struggle on a day-to-day level, and the constant contradictions that somehow we all have to manage. Thanks for your insight.
I would love a magic wand, that’s a great idea. But I think enough is enough already and it’s time to stop, smell the roses, and give a hug, a kiss and a big “i love you” to the ones we love. So Jeff, I love you (as a friend), and will make time tonight, tomorrow and everyday to tell it to those I love (which I do to my hubby and kids everyday). One of my favorite quotes is “Every day is a gift” so you can think of it glass half full or empty, look on the bright side, etc… and a new one I heard recently- change from “i have to do x” to “i get to do x”… changes perspective.
ok, gotta go, i get to do my work now ; )