In the last blog entry, the two halves of the relationship story were described, which consist of the visible half (the familiar story we learn from society) and the invisible half (the unconscious, hidden portion).  The visible part is seeking just what we usually think of (i.e., appealing and positive traits), while the unconscious half is “looking” for negative ones.

I realize this may not be the most romantic sounding love story you’ve ever heard- sorry about that!  As much as it may not be something we would think we would deliberately choose (i.e., consciously, or “visibly”), there’s a very real purpose to this unconscious pursuit of negative characteristics.  But why would any part of us- invisible or otherwise- want to find things in a partner that we don’t like?  It only makes sense when you factor in the concept of mastery, which was mentioned briefly in the previous blog.  It is truly remarkable to see how many things in our lives are influenced to such a degree by this powerful drive for positive outcomes.

So if we’re all, to some degree, systematically seeking out “dysfunction,” the question is, how do we know what type of dysfunction we’re attracted to?  Where do we even get the “blueprint” to begin with?  No big surprise here, but yes, our childhoods, and our relationship with our parents and families, are very relevant in this process.  I want to be extremely clear on this point though; it is NOT to say or imply “Oh-ok- so then it’s the parent’s fault,” as may often seem to be a familiar concept in the psychology field.  I cannot speak definitively to what other people (including psychologists) would say about this issue, but I can say for myself that it just isn’t an accurate depiction.  The simplest way I can possibly put it is this: people are all imperfect, parents are people, and so parents are also imperfect.  This is a matter of the human condition, and not a value judgment or criticism.

Parents can in fact be guilty of poor parenting, and I certainly wouldn’t exclude the idea that there is a segment of the parenting population that may act in more obviously problematic ways (i.e., neglectful, abusive, etc.).  However, the vast majority of parents want nothing but the best for their children, and endeavor to treat their children in a loving and nurturing manner.  But as unavoidably imperfect as people and parents are, there will always be some parental behaviors that will negatively impact a child’s development.

And that word, development, is really the key to this topic, because it’s rarely some major traumatic incident that shapes a child’s personality, but rather, little things that add up over time.  There are very few things about human nature that are truly consistent, but one of them is that people are not random in their personality traits, but instead, have very clear patterns in what they do.  So, whatever tendencies we all may have (whether positive or negative), we will tend to display them on a regular basis.  For example, someone who tends to keep a neat house will do so consistently; a person who tends to be a bit of a workaholic will be that way on an everyday basis; a person who keeps their feelings to themselves will rarely become highly expressive, etc.

Given that our need for mastery is so strong, and our relationship with our parents is so important, there is a natural “vacuum” created as a normal part of the developmental process in children.  People usually grow up and move on relatively unscathed in this process, but never lose some of these unmastered areas.  And thus, our brains (unconsciously) say, “If I can’t fix these issues with my actual parents, the next best place would be…” (with my partner).  That old expression “you marry your mother/father” is an old expression for a reason!

So, our unconscious radar pulls us- paradoxically- toward the very things we tend to like the least in a person.  I call this process The Invisible Connection.  It can be found in virtually all freely chosen romantic relationships, and is the underlying cause of a profound number of typical problems that couples encounter.  For instance, it is extremely common for people to have the same two or three arguments over and over, regardless of how many times they’ve discussed the subject.  So, if a woman had a parent who was controlling, even though she may be quite sick of that particular form of behavior, she will (unintentionally) find a prospective partner who will also have this tendency.  Clearly, this can provide the basis for much frustration over the course of a relationship.

It’s no coincidence that couples are especially good at pushing each other’s buttons, and The Invisible Connection helps to explain why these patterns are so common and so repetitive.  Throughout future blog entries, many other examples of this dynamic will be explored, along with an integrated set of tools to help couples diffuse conflict and improve communication.  For people still looking for the “right one,” there will be many tips to help guide your search.  In closing for today, I’d like to ask readers their experiences regarding The Invisible Connection. Have you noticed any patterns in your relationships?  Any characteristics you seem to keep finding over and over (perhaps despite your best intentions)?  Please feel free to comment!